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A funny dog story......

By Wacko the Clown


Hillary Clinton called Bill into her office one day and said, 'Bill, I
have a great idea. I know how we can win back middle America and secure
my presidential victory in 2008'.

'Great, but how do you propose we go about that?', asked Bill.

'Well', Hillary responds, 'We'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some
cheesy clothes and shoes like most middle Americans wear, and then we'll
stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador . When we look the part we'll
go to a nice old country bar in middle America , and we'll show them
that we really enjoy the countryside and show admiration and respect for
the hard working people living there.'


A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at
heel, they set off from New York in a westerly direction. Eventually
they arrived at just the place they were looking for. With dog in tow
they walk into the bar. They step up to the bar and the bartender takes
a step back and says, 'Aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton?'

Hillary answers, 'Yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We
were just passing through and Bill suggested that we stop and take in
some local color.'

They then order a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceed to
drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would
listen.

All of a sudden, the bar room door opens and grizzled old farmer comes
in. He walks up to the Labrador , lifts its tail and looks underneath,
shrugs his shoulders and walks out the door.

A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walks up to the dog,
lifts its tail, looks underneath, scratches his head, and then leaves
the bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers
came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Hillary and Bill could stand it no longer and! called the
bartender over. ''Tell me', said Hillary, 'Why did all those old farmers
come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old
custom?'

'Good Lord no', said the bartender, 'It's just that someone has told
them that there was a Labrador in here with two assholes!'

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY, OR WHAT?

One more thing: What does a dog do on three legs that a man does standing up and a woman does sitting down?................Give up?................ Answer: Shake hands (or paws)!

Candidate Jokes 

By Tubby the Clown

Hillary Clinton's Top Ten Campaign Promises

Sunday September 2, 2007

Hillary Clinton delivered her Top Ten list during her appearance on the Late Show With David Letterman.

Top Ten Hillary Clinton Campaign Promises

10. "Bring stability and long term security to 'The View.'"
9. "Each year on my birthday, every American gets a cupcake."
8. "You'll have the option of rolling dice against the IRS for double-or-nothing on your taxes."
7. "Having trouble getting a flight and Air Force One is available -- it's yours."
6. "My Vice President will never shoot anybody in the face."
5. "Turn Gitmo into a Dairy Queen as soon as possible."
4. "For over a century there have been only two Dakotas -- I plan to double that."
3. "We will finally have a President who doesn't mind pulling over and asking for directions. Am I right, ladies?"
2. "I will appoint a committee to find out what the heck is happening on 'Lost.'"
1. "One more pantsuit joke and Letterman disappears."

________________________________________________________

Barack Obama's Top Ten Campaign Promises

Friday January 25, 2008

Barack Obama delivered the Top Ten list during an appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman.

Top Ten Barack Obama Campaing Promises

10. To keep the budget balanced, I'll rent the situation room for sweet sixteens.
9. I will double your tax money at the craps table.
8. Appoint Mitt Romney secretary of lookin' good.
7. If you bring a gator to the White House, I'll wrestle it.
6. I'll put Regis on the nickel.
5. I'll rename the tenth month of the year ''Barack-tober.''
4. I won’t let Apple release the new and improved Ipod the day after you bought the previous model.
3. I'll find money in the budget to buy Letterman a decent hairpiece.
2. Pronounce the word nuclear, nuclear.
1. Three words: Vice President Oprah.

John McCain:

"Thanks for the question, you little jerk." --after being asked by a high school student if he was too old to be president. For good measure, McCain then threatened to draft the little jerk.

______________________________________________________________________________

"The New York Times says that John McCain had a close, personal relationship with a beautiful, young, female lobbyist. Do you believe this? Think about it. A senator, who's a Republican having sex with a woman." --Jay Leno

"If it does turn out to be true, then John McCain's critics have a point—he really does act more like a Democrat." --Jay Leno

"According to a new AP poll, the most popular presidential candidate among registered Republicans is 'none of the above.' At the moment, John McCain is in second place, just behind 'Good Lord, not him.'" --Conan O'Brien

Mike Huckabee:

CONSUMPTION OF ALCOHOL WARNING

By John Barleycorn

The Town Drunk

As the Sierra Madre’s Town Drunk I have ample opportunity to explore the parallel reality of total inebriation and debauchery. And I must admit I wouldn’t exchange nano-second of being mucho borracho for a month of stone-cold sobriety. It’s just not in my nature. For example, the other night I woke up in cold sweat shaking like a leaf and realized my bedroom had bars on it. I called out the jailer but no one answered. Then under my bunk I found a tattered Forbes Magazine open to an article titled of all things “Alcohol Improves the Brain”. In it I read the following excerpt:

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

Thus, regular consumption of beer, wine etc., helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their college years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, we cannot shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be. Forward this to all of your friends, acquaintances and co-workers that may be in danger of losing their edge.

______________________________________________________________________________

Before you take another sip, here’s another tid-bit to consider. Due to increasing products liability, alcoholic beverages manufacturers have finally accepted the Problem Drinkers of America (PDA) suggestion that the following warning label be placed immediately on all bottles of booze:

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retarded winker.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name, and/or species you can't remember).

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy

______________________________________________________________________________

I know this next item sounds incredible but it’s true. I found it the other day in discarded newspaper on a bench in Memorial Park. Since it was early and I had time to kill before Happy’s Liquor Store opened and the day workers took over I read it. To my surprise I found the following story highlighted in yellow marker with some barely decipherable writing in Spanish saying “Muy Loco Gringo!”

How to be cruel to old guys &

Make them pay close attention

Politician Jokes

By Bonzo & Clarabell the Town Clown

(Yeh, it’s election season again. We thought we’d add a bit of humor to the political debate.)
A bus load of politicians

 Late one night in the Capitol

Late one night in the capitol a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the

 path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money!" he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a U.S. Congressman!"

 Political Pollster

A Wandering Tourist

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the story," says the owner.

President Bush visits Mexico

On one of President George W. Bush’s trips to Mexico, Mexican President Vincente Fox took him to see the fiery Paricutín volcano.  As President Bush viewed it with keen interest, President Fox asked him what he thought of it.

Senator John Kerry on the War in Iraq

Senator John F. Kerry : "But I think what we need to do is recognize what we all agree on, which is, you’ve got to begin to set benchmarks for accomplishment; you’ve got to begin to transfer authority to the Iraqis, and there is no reason that young American soldiers need to be going into the homes of Iraqis in the dead of night, terrorizing kids and children , you know, women, breaking sort of the customs of the—of—of—of—historical customs, religious customs, whether you like it or not.  Iraqis should be doing that. "

Hillary Clinton Visits School Children

Hillary Clinton visited an elementary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks, “And what’s your name?”

“Kenneth.” the boy replied.

“And what is your question, Kenneth?” asked Senator Clinton.

“I have three questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?  And, Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?” asked Kenneth.

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary said, “Okay where were we? Oh, that’s right, question time. Who has a question?”

A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

“Larry.” the little boy replied.

“And what is your question, Larry?” asked Senator Clinton.

Illegal Alien Has Illegitimate Birth—Baby Expected To Be Charged With Treason

BETHLEHEM, Jerusalem—It was rumored today that an unmarried couple from Nazareth stopped in a manger owned by Alfredo Pinchi, a notorious local slumlord, and a baby was born.

“There was no running water, and the place was filled with straw,” commented local public health authorities.  “We even found a donkey inside!”

“The mother gave birth under extremely questionable circumstances,” offered Pontius Pilate, Judean candidate for District Attorney.  “She claims to have been a virgin.”

Unconfirmed reports indicate that Roman authorities are investigating the baby on charges of sedition and treason. “There are a bunch of people running around alleging that the baby is the son of God,” explained Pilate, “and that he will have some radical ideas about religion in the future.”

Three Kings from the Orient were caught on the outskirts of Bethlehem by the Roman Border Patrol, carrying illegal contraband.  “We caught them red-handed with frankincense and myrrh,” explained an official with the Border Patrol.  “And they didn’t have any papers.”

The Kings were promptly arrested and deported to Syria.

Only in America

Only in America ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America ... are there handicap parking places in front of our skating rinks.

Only in America ... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a Diet Coke.

Only in America ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America ... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America ... do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
 

By Finney the Irishman
>
> A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
>
> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
> HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
> 10 MILES
>
> He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:
>
> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
> HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
> 5 MILES
>
> Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

>SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
> HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
> NEXT RIGHT
> His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
>
> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
>
> He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
>
> He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
>
> 'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disorientated. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
>
> He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
>
> He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
>
> The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
>
> GO IN PEACE.
>

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
>
> SERVES YOU RIGHT,
>
> YOU SINNER!!!

What is a BILLION???

By Anabell the Town Clown


This is too true to be funny

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.


A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans. Interesting number, what does it mean?

A. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you each get $516,528.

B. Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.

C. Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,066,012.

Washington, D.C. .. HELLO!!! ... Are all your calculators broken??

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Perm it Tax Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),
Liquor Tax,
Luxury Tax,
Marriage License Tax,
Medicare Tax, < FONT face=Verdana size=4>
Property Tax,
Real Estate Tax,
Service charge taxes,</ FONT>
Social Security Tax,
Road Usage Tax (Truckers),
Sales Taxes,
Recreational Vehicle Tax,
School Tax,
State Income Tax,
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),
Telephone Federal Excise Tax,
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax,
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,
Telephone State and Local Tax,
Telephone Usage Charge Tax,
Utility Tax,
Vehicle License Registration Tax,< /FONT>
Vehicle Sales Tax,
Watercraft Registration Tax,
Well Permit Tax,
Workers Compensation Tax.

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago,
and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to ra! ise the kids.

What happened? Can you spell 'politicians!'

And I still have to 'press
1' for English.

I hope this goes around THE
USA at least 100 times

What the heck happened?????

Remember this the next time you vote.
 
From: Leslee Hinton
Date: 3/1/08

Subject: Politics as Usual

While walking down the street one day a Sierra Madre City Council member is tragically hit by a truck going up to 1 Carter and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the council member.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the council member.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules'… And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... up, up, up and the door re-opens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, another 24 hours pass with the council member joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The council member reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the council member. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says....... 'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.

Spitting and Pissing: How long must this go on?

By Knothead the Town Dummy

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. The two Arabs enjoyed their cokes.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

THE FEW.
THE PROUD.
THE MARINES

If you can read this thank a teacher.
If it's in English, thank a soldier

Signs of the Times:

Obamamania!!!

                                                                                       
                      Official Obama—Clinton Campaign Vehicle

Driving Miss Hillary

How the candidates measured up when the presidential campaign began

Open Borders—A One-way Street

NAFTA Americo-Mexicana Currency

Good until the Peso replaces the Dollar

English Only

The duke would know what to do

Alien Invasion